A Letter To My Family

I've thought a lot and for a long time about doing this.
It's my attempt at trying to finally let go of the remaining anger I carry with me, stopping me from being able to forgive.
Some people seem to forgive so easily but I admit I can't really fathom it?
It's taken me years to get to this point,
and part of me feels like I will never forgive, but I realised that the reason I feel like this is because to forgive, to me, is the equivalent of forgetting and acting like nothing happened, therefore letting part of myself disappear with it and also letting everyone off the hook.
But, at the same time I have to realise that I did the best I could with regards to getting justice, taking him to trial and getting a successful conviction.
I'm also sure that the rest of them are living the rest of their lives with guilt and shame hanging like chains around their necks.

These letters are for a few remaining members.
My grandad and uncle both died shortly after my grandads sentence came to an end and to be honest, as bizarre as it might sound, I'm at peace when it comes to both of them. Maybe because I faced them both in court? Maybe because they passed away? I'm not sure.?

Anyway here we go....


Chelsie

I'm starting with you because you're my most recent heartbreak.
My cousin.
I held you as a baby and I even gave the idea of spelling your name the way it is.
I adored you, I thought you were so beautiful and even though the age gap was a big one I just felt that we would always be close and have a special bond.
You had a troubled start to life including a lot of trauma.
You struggled growing up and had a lot of issues but we grew closer in those later years.
You was bridesmaid for me and from that moment we spent a lot of time together.
I admit you filled a bit of a void for me as I had not had children and I felt a maternal love for you and maybe you felt similar, not having a mum in your life.
We had a laugh together and I did my best to help you, there was even talks of you moving in with us.
But all of that fell short when you betrayed me. You always knew there was something "wrong" within the family walls but no one ever told you what it was.
I told you what happened, in the briefest way I could as I didn't want to cause you any further stress. You was shocked which I was glad of because I wasn't sure if our grandad had done the same to you.
You seemed to be supportive, you were about 15 years old, so very young still but you were quite mature and I felt you should know.
This was all before I fell out with my mum.
Me and you stayed in contact whereby I'd drive to pick you up for the weekend.
But now when I look back I can see how crafty you were being.
You were trying to get information from me after I'd reported him to the police and I believe that you was also recording our conversations on your phone. I don't know that as a matter of fact, it's just a strong feeling I have.
You pretended to be on my side and I thought you loved me. How silly and utterly heartbroken did I feel when after the trial you sent me photos of you burning photos of us together!
You sent me a msg straight after the trial along the lines of "well done, you got your justice"
And when you did decide to send me some msgs after ages of no contact you was telling me how I'd lied in court? Obviously your dad had fed you the bullshit but that's what uncle Dean did, he was a liar! And he lied massively in court, to the point of making himself look like an absolute cunt!
So your own instincts throughout your childhood told you that something wasn't right, you wondered why I didn't have anything to do with "grandad" and then when I tell you years later you end up calling me a liar. Even though he was found guilty.!
I know that in your heart you know I'm telling the truth but you would rather cling to the "family" instead of supporting me.
Me, the only person who actually gave a fuck about you Chelsie!! I genuinely loved you and was going to have you live with me!
Your dad was a cunt to you, my mum didn't want you, she'd told me that a few years before. Nan always said you was a liar and she didn't care for you much either!!
They all saw you as being too much trouble and a liar.
You used to slice and dice your arms up and they didn't know how to deal with all that.
If you remember, I was the one trying to help you!
Now I can see that although we have a 20 year age gap that you were always jealous of me which makes me laugh!
Jealous of me?
Because I was the first child in the family and had so much fuss and attention! Look how that turned out though!
I had all the fuss and attention because I was a "good girl"  I was quiet and didn't rock the boat so I was easy to manipulate!

You're a stupid girl and I just hope you have some good friends because when the rest of our mob pass away who will you have left Chels? Not me.

Anyway. I need to let go of my anger towards you and do my best to forgive you. I would like to say that if I ever saw you in the street I would simply cross the road and not give you a good kicking!

You hurt me so much, just the sheer undertones of your character that I never knew existed all bubbling to the surface and popping, spluttering, scalding and burning me to my core.

I wish you well whatever you're doing in your life. You'll be 26 years old now and hopefully over these last 10 years you've done a lot of growing and soul searching.  Questioned yourself over how you treated me and how you conducted yourself in that situation (I'm not holding my breath though).

You're the one who has to live with your conscience... if you even have one.
And for me, I forgive you.

Your cousin
Rachel.


Nan

I don't even know where to start with you?
I loved you to bits. You was always good to me when I was little, better than mum was with me. You did stuff with me, baking and gardening. You took me out and you spoiled me.
But even you had suspicions that I was being abused didn't you.
What did you do?
Fuck all.
You stayed married to him for years after it came out.
You also tried to hush it all up. You didn't want anyone to know.
You'd rather have me thought of as a fucking weirdo because I was so withdrawn I didn't speak and I was so unhappy that I didn't smile!
Well fuck you Myrtle!
You're weak. You all are.
I'm stronger and braver than all of you put together and my moral compass is solid.
It all could have been so different but here we are.
My heart is full of love and peace but I bet you can't say the same about yours.
I'm tired of being angry.
You did what you did and nothing can change that.
I pity you.
And for me, I forgive you.

Your granddaughter
Rachel.


Mum

You're weak and pathetic.
You never loved me, I can see that really clearly the older I get.
You're infantile and needy.
I actually used to hate you for having me! I was your little dolly when I was a baby.
When I started to TRY and have my own thoughts and opinions that's when you flipped.
I pity you, just like I pity you all.
All as weak as piss with no backbone.
I really haven't got anything to say to you and if I saw you in the street I'd turn around and walk in the opposite direction.
I feel nothing at all for you. 
And for me, I forgive you.

Your one and only child
Rachel.



I don't know how to write a forgiveness letter, I'm sure that's not it lol 😆
But just writing those few words have made me feel better.
For years I've hoped to bump into them, not that I ever would as we don't live anywhere near eachother. But in my head I would have loved to have told them about themselves, or even run them over with my car! Lol 
I don't feel the need anymore.

From this moment on the ties are cut and I will no longer be drained by them.

They can all go and feast on eachother!

Thanks for reading.

Eyes Like Galaxies💙✨️